I'm a wreck.

for like the last week, I’ve spent all of my time doing 4 things.
school, working, sleeping, or crying.
not homework, not eating (unless I’m eating my feelings), or drinking, or even getting out of bed most nights.
this girl Kayla (woodwinkedx on youtube) wrote a blog post tonight, and it just confirmed everything I’ve been thinking for the longest time.
I’m not going to go into detail because that would be way too long, but you can read it here http://inneryogini.blogspot.com/2010/09/depression.html.
anyways, I’m going to go back to curled up crying in bed with my bear, like I’ve basically been all night.
I might be back in a bit to check this, but probably not.
like I said, the computer isn’t one of those 4 things anymore.
goodnight.

September 7th, 2010

Today was eventful. I got up at 5 so I could be at Wal-Mart at 6:35, even though my orientation wasn’t until 8. I sat in the break room and finished my paperwork, then sat in a room with 2 other guys and felt like a know-it-all. As always. I mean, would it kill people to speak up every once in a while so I don’t have to answer everything?  Anyways, I learned some stuff about Wally World, and Mr. Sam, and then we had lunch. A whole hour is way too long for lunch, at least when you’re used to only having half an hour, so I wrote up a review on my Hard Candy Face Primer. After lunch, we did CBL’s. CBL’s (Computer Based Learning) have to be the most boring things in the world. You get to sit at a computer with headphones in your ear and click buttons. Then, you get tested on it. If you don’t score an 80% on the test, you have to re-do the whole hour-long module. I finished the one on WHMIS, and I think I have like 8 more to do, so I get to do those tomorrow. Did I mention I’m going back tomorrow right after school? Yeah, I get to go to school, then I get to go to work, and then I get to come home and do it all again. I have a feeling I’m not sleeping great tonight, but I’m not really sure because I was up at 5. When I got home tonight, we went to eat supper, and then I came home again and made a double batch of banana chocolate chip muffins to take to school with me tomorrow. I made 36, so I think I’ll take 2, but I can decide all of that in the morning. Right now, I need to go take a shower and paint my nails, and get my bag packed for tomorrow. I have a big first day of school, and I’m nervous as hell and I don’t know why. I’m not usually nervous about the first day of school, but I am tonight. I’m quite confused. Anyways, if you’re still reading this, hi, and I’m going to go now. Byee <3

stop making me feel so fucking guilty for doing something I want to do, just because it doesn’t go on your schedule.

you bitch about me never doing anything on time, and always going on “Sarah time”. maybe I’m not the only one that has their schedule. god forbid I do something for me every once in a while. I’m sorry that you aren’t involved in the church and that’s not a part of you and I respect that, but when I want to do something that we can’t do together, don’t make me feel like the biggest bitch in the world. it’s things like this that make me wonder why I ever fell for you in the first place..

faith.

today’s been weird for me.
seeing everyone from Street Invaders, and talking with Joey and Tony has made me think.
and I’ve been thinking about a lot of things.
about my falling out with the church, and my faith, and God.
this time last summer, I was eating supper at the church, waiting for worship to start and that peace to fall over me.
a peace I haven’t felt in a long time.
this year has just been really rough on my faith.
I stopped going to youth on Thursday nights, I stopped going to church on Sunday mornings, and it seems like I just stopped associating with the church at all.
I miss it.
I miss getting excited for guest speakers, and outreach, and I miss drinking up as much of Him as I could, every chance I got.
I think I want to start going back, but I’m not sure of the welcome I’ll get.
who wants to let the lesbian bisexual with the slutty attitude and a sailor’s mouth back into church?
surely not anyone I know.
everything about me goes against so many rules, and I don’t know how much I can press the boundaries.
but at the same time, I want to be back there again.
I miss the enthusiasm in that group, and all of the fun that could be had, as long as you were prepared to be hit hard at the end.
I think I’m going to go back to Merge on Thursday, and who knows? maybe I’ll stick with it and go back to that good little girl I used to be..

fuck you.
I don’t need you here telling me I should act like a whore for my girlfriend because you do for yours.
I’m sorry that I’m not ready to go that far with anyone.
I know I say I’d do it if she were a boy, but I know that as soon as it was over I’d hate myself for it, and I can’t live with a regret like that.
I’m just not ready to give myself to someone like that..

let me...

-draw you stupid pictures with crayons.
-kiss you on your forehead, neck, and all over.
-wrestle and tickle you until you give in.
-send you things telling you how much I miss you and how much you mean to me.
-brag to people how sweet and adorable you are.
-make food for you with my limited cooking skills.
-massage your back and neck until you fall asleep.
-be the one who says goodnight to you.
-rest my forehead against yours in between kissing you.
-visit you whenever and as much as possible.
-make fun of the way you say and do things.
-kiss you in the car at red lights.
-hold your hand and rub your thumb against mine.
-kiss you in public.
-celebrate all the holidays with you, especially ones that don’t matter like Flag Day just so I can be with you.
-write songs about you and sing them to you even though I’ll always be too shy.
-lie on you while we watch tv or movies.
-say stupid things only to have you correct me.
-play with your hair.
-spend the night and fall asleep with you in my arms.
-take you out someplace where I can pay.
-show you where I live and have you meet my friends.
-kiss you on each cheek.
-be apart of your life and meet your family and friends.
-surprise you with little gifts.
-do things I’d normally never do just because I want to be with you.
-get up and get you a drink when you’re thirsty or when you’re not.
-put a picture of you or us on a wall in my room.
-be there for you when you need me the most.
-hear you say you love me and miss me.
-take hot showers with you.
-pamper and spoil you.
-stare at you and have you say “what?” because you’ll never understand how you make me feel.
-catch you checking me out but have you think that I have no idea.
-tell you embarrassing stories.
-tell you my fears and dreams.
-learn from you and learn about you.
-kiss you until you can no longer breathe.
-go shopping with you and point out everything that you’d look good in.
-dance/sing to you in the car.
-bend over and kiss you because you’re I’m too short to reach.
-lay my head against you when I’m tired.
-tell you how crazy you are and how much you drive me crazy.
-look forward to the next time I can see you.
-get butterflies in my stomach everytime you’re around.
-call you baby, baby girl, or just simply mine.
-whisper things in your ear.
-kiss and nibble on your ear.
-kiss you whenever I feel like it and when you least expect it.
-hug you just because you look adorable.
-be my crazy self around you just so I can make you laugh
-kiss your nose.
-lay in your bed so when I’m not there the scent of me still lingers.
-give you butterfly and eskimo kisses.
-come up behind you and kiss your neck unexpectedly.
-ask the most ridiculous questions so I can know as much about you as possible.
-dedicate songs to you so we can have a million of “our songs”
-call you a butthead and a goober when you’re being one.
-play video games with you only to get myself annoyed and end up throwing the controller.
-take pictures of you and have them on my iPod ready to show anyone at any moment.
-cheer you up when you’ve had a bad day.
-sing songs that you hate loudly and obnoxiously, especially in the car.
-look at things from your perspective.
-have deep and interesting conversations with you.
-take you to the city and get lost in the business of it all.
-go to the beach with you so I can throw sand at you.
-explore new things with you.
-make fun of you so I can only say I’m sorry and end up kissing you
-bore you with my pointless stories and facts.
-tell you horrible jokes and laugh at them even when you don’t.
-smile every time something reminds me of you.
-show you new things.
-lend you my shirts so you can wear them to bed.
-take care of you, especially when you’re sick.
-be your valentine on February 14th.
-be with you and make you the happiest girl ever while you make me the happiest boy girl in the world.

I’m confused.
when you said you weren’t ready, I said I’d wait because I didn’t think it would be this hard.
I don’t understand what it is you need to get through your head.
do you really need all of this time to come to terms with it, or are you just trying to fool yourself into thinking you’re something you’re not?
I’m starting to think the second one is true.
you should be proud of who you are, not ashamed of it, and you’re not doing that right now.
I don’t know how you expect me to be with someone that’s only mine when we’re alone.. </3

The last time you kissed someone, what color of shirt were they wearing?
pink :)

What are your plans for the day?
well, today is over, but tomorrow I’ve got school, and that’s kind of it.

What did you have for breakfast?
nothing at all.

What are you wearing currently?
sweats, blue tank top, my Mommy’s gray sweater

Who last slept in your bed besides you?
Kendra

What time did you wake up today?
9:23

How long until your next birthday?
exactly 5 months :)

What color is your car? (Or the one you drive most often)
I don’t drive.

What was the last movie you watched?
Julie & Julia, part of It’s Complicated, and the first half of Alice In Wonderland

What makes you happy?
her.

Have you got any pets?
not here, unless you count my fish buddies.

Have you ever let someone be your everything?
yes, but rarely, she’s kind of the first.

Name something you dislike about the day you’re having?
she had to go home.

Have you ever had your heart broken?
once or twice.

Is there anybody you’re really disappointed in right now?
nope.

What was the highlight of this week or what will be?
today, but wednesday’s probably going to be good too.

Did you kiss or hug anyone today?
both.. :)

Have you ever wanted something you couldn’t have?
all the time.

What’s the number one thing you want in life right now?
to move out of taymouth.

What was on your mind mostly today?
her.

Doing this weekend?
working Friday and Saturday, and hopefully have her over Saturday night, if I can have Sunday off.

Do you talk in your sleep?
I don’t know, I know I snore though, but they’re ‘little adorable snores’

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
possibly.

Are you trying to avoid liking somebody at the moment?
why avoid it when I can have her?

Where did you get the shirt your wearing from?
my mommy, but it’s american eagle.

Have anything to say to someone?
elephant shoe.

Do you think anyone has feelings for you?
I should hope so, otherwise this could be awkward..

Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell anything to?
not really.

Do you prefer to shower at morning or night?
nighttime.

Is there someone you can spend every minute with and be happy?
definitely.

Is there anyone who doesn’t like you?
there are probably quite a few.

When’s the last time you wrote someone a letter? & to who ?
March 25, to my monster.

Are you a jealous person?
pshh, nooooo, not at all..
just don’t take my girl from me, or I’ll kill you :)

Do you regret anything?
quite a few things actually, like not having the guts to kiss her for 5 months.

Will you have a boyfriend/girlfriend in 6 months?
I hope, because I’m not ready to give this up just yet, and I don’t know if my heart could handle it.

boyfriend/girlfriend name:
Monster.

boyfriend/girlfriend age:
one more than sixteen.

do you have pet names for each other:
yes.

if so what are they:
there a kind of too many to list.

how often do you talk:
every day.

where did you meet:
dramafest.

why do like this person:
she’s my best friend.

do you love this person:
yes.

has this person ever told they loved you:
all the time.

do you want to break up:
no.

do you miss this person when they’re not around:
like crazy.

when is this person’s birthday:
January 6th

what is their last name:
that spice that goes in indian food..

have you ever wanted to share their last name:
..

do you want to break up:
noooooooo.

what day of the week did you meet this person:
wednesday?

does this person know everything about you:
yes.

do you know their middle name:
yes, I do.

is this person older older than you:
by six hundred and seven days.

is this person younger than you:
no.

you know what really fucking sucks? knowing that your best friend, the most important person in the world, is hurting, and having no way to fix it. what sucks even more? knowing all of that, and knowing that you could fix it if you knew what was wrong. okay, so maybe not fix it, but at least make them feel somewhat better with hugs and backrubs and reassurances, but you can’t do that because you live too fucking far away and can’t see her when she needs you the most. it’s enough to make you go crazy on a good day, let alone a day when you’re already stressed. it can get so frustrating that all you want to do is cry, not because you’re sad, but because that’s all you can do, and maybe if you cry, they’ll forget about themselves for a few minutes and focus on you and hopefully completely forget about what was bothering them in the first place. but you still have no idea what was bothering them, and now you never will.

perfection.

these past few days have been just as perfect as you. every sweet little text, and every time we kiss, and holding hands under the table so people don’t see. it’s all just perfect. just thinking about you makes me all smiley because I know you finally feel the same way, and it’s the greatest thing in the world. nothing can bring me down when I’m around you, and I don’t have any problems with that. I can stay on the phone with you for hours just listening to you breathe, and your arms are my favourite place in the world. I’ve fallen so hard for you that’s it’s annoying other people because we’re too annoyingly cute. I don’t care, because I know they’re all just jealous. I’ve got you, not only my best friend, but now I’m dating you too.
I didn’t think life could get any better, and then you kissed me. <3

fear.

I’ve failed you.
I’m so absorbed into my own problems that I don’t notice yours, and when I do notice, I don’t know how to fix it.
I’ve been saying that a lot lately.
I don’t know.
I don’t know why I cry over nothing.
I don’t know what I want to do after high school.
I don’t know what classes I need to take to get me there.
I don’t know how to fix you.
I don’t know whether I’m going to make it past 60 days.
I just don’t know anymore.
I need help, and nobody seems to know how to help me.
As much as I want to tell you, I can’t, because I’m scared.
I’m scared because, no matter what you say, I’m always going to feel like I’m being judged by you, even though I know you aren’t.
I don’t know how you’re going to take what I want to tell you, and I don’t know whether it’s going to make you reject me.
I need out.

walls.

they were right.
everyone that ever told me that I would never go anywhere, and that I was a waste of a life, they were right.
no matter what I do, I find some way to fuck it up, and some way to hurt someone.
well, I’m done.
I’m just going to retreat back behind my walls and stop talking to people, and go back to who I was this time last year.
it’s the only way I know how to stop hurting people, while not hurting myself.
I’m sorry </3

heath.

another 8pm writing session.
another 8pm writing session about [you].
why?
because you’re my world.
if I am Zoey, then you are Heath.
you’re my home, the person I’m most comfortable with.
the person that can always make me feel better, even if I don’t want to.
you know exactly what to do to make me smile, and your laugh is like my oxygen.
you’re the one I’m always going to run to.
there may be others, but you’re always going to be at the top.
why?
because.
I love you <3

hurt.

right now I’m breathing so hard my chest hurts, and the tears aren’t stopping, no matter how hard I try. all I want to do is curl up under the covers and hide away from the world, and just sleep for longer than 2 hours before waking up from the nightmares that keep haunting me. I need a really big hug, but I’m not going to get that because I’m a thirty minute drive from the only person that could make me feel better, and I’m without a car. I’m so tempted to just pack my stuff and start walking. anywhere is better than here, and I’ll do anything to get there. even if it means going against everything and calling my dad, I hate it here so much that I’ll do it. my kitchen is full of things that could make this go away, and I’m trying so hard to resist it, but it’s failing me..

kiss.

Math class.
The one class I can let my mind wander because I know all of this already.
And wandering it is doing.
Wandering back to last night, my back to the wall, her face inches from mine.
The desire to kiss her was overwhelming, but I couldn’t do it.
I was too scared.
What if kissing her ruined everything?
What if I lost my best friend because of one little kiss?
I know she said she’d never leave me, but I’m still scared and skeptical.
I’ve never felt like this about anyone before, and I can’t lose her.
I’d be shattered.

fingernails.

once again, it’s 8pm and I’m writing.
my deliciously haunting fantasy came back last night.
but that’s not what I’m writing about.
I’m not writing about dreams, I’m writing about reality.
I’m writing about the feel of her fingernails on my back, her breath on my neck, her hands on my side.
Each one of those things just heightening the already intense feeling of pleasure.
The things that just make me want more and more.
More of it, more of her.
It’s all I can do to keep back the moans that are stirring in the back of my throat, and even now, I slip up.
I’ve never felt these feelings before, but no matter how scared they make me, the feelings outweigh the fear.
Even though the feelings outweigh the fear, they don’t outweigh the pulling sensation in my tummy, telling me that this is wrong, and that I shouldn’t like this as much as I do.
Maybe this is just going too fast, and maybe I’m just getting scared, but maybe we shouldn’t be doing this.. </3

fantasies

It’s only 8pm, but I’m ready for bed.
Not because I’m sleepy, but because of that deliciously haunting dream that has come to me every night this week.
Every night it’s a little different, and every night it goes a little bit further into the fantasy.
My toes are curling just thinking about it.
But even as my toes are curling, and I’m getting butterflies in the very bottom of my tummy, my heart is hurting too.
Because I know, even with what has already happened, it’s not going to progress any further.
Maybe I should just stop thinking about it and go to sleep.
But then again, maybe this is telling me something.
Maybe this is life’s way of forcing me to stop being a scaredy cat and live for a change.
Maybe I’m just thinking too far into what is just a fantasy.
Once again, I’m stuck </3

dreams

dreams suck.
last night, for the first time in like ever, I dreamed.
and it’s got me so shaken, I’ve been crying for almost an hour.
because, in this dream, everything was perfect.
I kissed you, and you kissed back.
and that was the dream.
the reason why I’m so fucking shaken is because you kissed back.
and now my heart hurts, because I know it will never happen.
you’re never going to feel the same way about me.
and I just have to deal with that, I guess.
but I hate it.
I hate that, even though I can tell you everything, and hugs are as natural as breathing between us, you’re never going to feel the same, no matter what I do.
and I hate myself for even saying that, because I know it hurts you as much as it hurts me.
I can’t leave you, because I love you too much to hurt you like that, but being around you hurts me just the same.
I’m stuck. </3