for like the last week, I’ve spent all of my time doing 4 things.
school, working, sleeping, or crying.
not homework, not eating (unless I’m eating my feelings), or drinking, or even getting out of bed most nights.
this girl Kayla (woodwinkedx on youtube) wrote a blog post tonight, and it just confirmed everything I’ve been thinking for the longest time.
I’m not going to go into detail because that would be way too long, but you can read it here http://inneryogini.blogspot.com/2010/09/depression.html.
anyways, I’m going to go back to curled up crying in bed with my bear, like I’ve basically been all night.
I might be back in a bit to check this, but probably not.
like I said, the computer isn’t one of those 4 things anymore.
goodnight.
Friday, September 10, 2010
September 7th, 2010
Today was eventful. I got up at 5 so I could be at Wal-Mart at 6:35, even though my orientation wasn’t until 8. I sat in the break room and finished my paperwork, then sat in a room with 2 other guys and felt like a know-it-all. As always. I mean, would it kill people to speak up every once in a while so I don’t have to answer everything? Anyways, I learned some stuff about Wally World, and Mr. Sam, and then we had lunch. A whole hour is way too long for lunch, at least when you’re used to only having half an hour, so I wrote up a review on my Hard Candy Face Primer. After lunch, we did CBL’s. CBL’s (Computer Based Learning) have to be the most boring things in the world. You get to sit at a computer with headphones in your ear and click buttons. Then, you get tested on it. If you don’t score an 80% on the test, you have to re-do the whole hour-long module. I finished the one on WHMIS, and I think I have like 8 more to do, so I get to do those tomorrow. Did I mention I’m going back tomorrow right after school? Yeah, I get to go to school, then I get to go to work, and then I get to come home and do it all again. I have a feeling I’m not sleeping great tonight, but I’m not really sure because I was up at 5. When I got home tonight, we went to eat supper, and then I came home again and made a double batch of banana chocolate chip muffins to take to school with me tomorrow. I made 36, so I think I’ll take 2, but I can decide all of that in the morning. Right now, I need to go take a shower and paint my nails, and get my bag packed for tomorrow. I have a big first day of school, and I’m nervous as hell and I don’t know why. I’m not usually nervous about the first day of school, but I am tonight. I’m quite confused. Anyways, if you’re still reading this, hi, and I’m going to go now. Byee <3
stop making me feel so fucking guilty for doing something I want to do, just because it doesn’t go on your schedule.
you bitch about me never doing anything on time, and always going on “Sarah time”. maybe I’m not the only one that has their schedule. god forbid I do something for me every once in a while. I’m sorry that you aren’t involved in the church and that’s not a part of you and I respect that, but when I want to do something that we can’t do together, don’t make me feel like the biggest bitch in the world. it’s things like this that make me wonder why I ever fell for you in the first place..
faith.
today’s been weird for me.
seeing everyone from Street Invaders, and talking with Joey and Tony has made me think.
and I’ve been thinking about a lot of things.
about my falling out with the church, and my faith, and God.
this time last summer, I was eating supper at the church, waiting for worship to start and that peace to fall over me.
a peace I haven’t felt in a long time.
this year has just been really rough on my faith.
I stopped going to youth on Thursday nights, I stopped going to church on Sunday mornings, and it seems like I just stopped associating with the church at all.
I miss it.
I miss getting excited for guest speakers, and outreach, and I miss drinking up as much of Him as I could, every chance I got.
I think I want to start going back, but I’m not sure of the welcome I’ll get.
who wants to let thelesbian bisexual with the slutty attitude and a sailor’s mouth back into church?
surely not anyone I know.
everything about me goes against so many rules, and I don’t know how much I can press the boundaries.
but at the same time, I want to be back there again.
I miss the enthusiasm in that group, and all of the fun that could be had, as long as you were prepared to be hit hard at the end.
I think I’m going to go back to Merge on Thursday, and who knows? maybe I’ll stick with it and go back to that good little girl I used to be..
seeing everyone from Street Invaders, and talking with Joey and Tony has made me think.
and I’ve been thinking about a lot of things.
about my falling out with the church, and my faith, and God.
this time last summer, I was eating supper at the church, waiting for worship to start and that peace to fall over me.
a peace I haven’t felt in a long time.
this year has just been really rough on my faith.
I stopped going to youth on Thursday nights, I stopped going to church on Sunday mornings, and it seems like I just stopped associating with the church at all.
I miss it.
I miss getting excited for guest speakers, and outreach, and I miss drinking up as much of Him as I could, every chance I got.
I think I want to start going back, but I’m not sure of the welcome I’ll get.
who wants to let the
surely not anyone I know.
everything about me goes against so many rules, and I don’t know how much I can press the boundaries.
but at the same time, I want to be back there again.
I miss the enthusiasm in that group, and all of the fun that could be had, as long as you were prepared to be hit hard at the end.
I think I’m going to go back to Merge on Thursday, and who knows? maybe I’ll stick with it and go back to that good little girl I used to be..
fuck you.
I don’t need you here telling me I should act like a whore for my girlfriend because you do for yours.
I’m sorry that I’m not ready to go that far with anyone.
I know I say I’d do it if she were a boy, but I know that as soon as it was over I’d hate myself for it, and I can’t live with a regret like that.
I’m just not ready to give myself to someone like that..
I don’t need you here telling me I should act like a whore for my girlfriend because you do for yours.
I’m sorry that I’m not ready to go that far with anyone.
I know I say I’d do it if she were a boy, but I know that as soon as it was over I’d hate myself for it, and I can’t live with a regret like that.
I’m just not ready to give myself to someone like that..
let me...
-draw you stupid pictures with crayons.
-kiss you on your forehead, neck, and all over.
-wrestle and tickle you until you give in.
-send you things telling you how much I miss you and how much you mean to me.
-brag to people how sweet and adorable you are.
-make food for you with my limited cooking skills.
-massage your back and neck until you fall asleep.
-be the one who says goodnight to you.
-rest my forehead against yours in between kissing you.
-visit you whenever and as much as possible.
-make fun of the way you say and do things.
-kiss you in the car at red lights.
-hold your hand and rub your thumb against mine.
-kiss you in public.
-celebrate all the holidays with you, especially ones that don’t matter like Flag Day just so I can be with you.
-write songs about you and sing them to you even though I’ll always be too shy.
-lie on you while we watch tv or movies.
-say stupid things only to have you correct me.
-play with your hair.
-spend the night and fall asleep with you in my arms.
-take you out someplace where I can pay.
-show you where I live and have you meet my friends.
-kiss you on each cheek.
-be apart of your life and meet your family and friends.
-surprise you with little gifts.
-do things I’d normally never do just because I want to be with you.
-get up and get you a drink when you’re thirsty or when you’re not.
-put a picture of you or us on a wall in my room.
-be there for you when you need me the most.
-hear you say you love me and miss me.
-take hot showers with you.
-pamper and spoil you.
-stare at you and have you say “what?” because you’ll never understand how you make me feel.
-catch you checking me out but have you think that I have no idea.
-tell you embarrassing stories.
-tell you my fears and dreams.
-learn from you and learn about you.
-kiss you until you can no longer breathe.
-go shopping with you and point out everything that you’d look good in.
-dance/sing to you in the car.
-bend over and kiss you becauseyou’re I’m too short to reach.
-lay my head against you when I’m tired.
-tell you how crazy you are and how much you drive me crazy.
-look forward to the next time I can see you.
-get butterflies in my stomach everytime you’re around.
-call you baby, baby girl, or just simply mine.
-whisper things in your ear.
-kiss and nibble on your ear.
-kiss you whenever I feel like it and when you least expect it.
-hug you just because you look adorable.
-be my crazy self around you just so I can make you laugh
-kiss your nose.
-lay in your bed so when I’m not there the scent of me still lingers.
-give you butterfly and eskimo kisses.
-come up behind you and kiss your neck unexpectedly.
-ask the most ridiculous questions so I can know as much about you as possible.
-dedicate songs to you so we can have a million of “our songs”
-call you a butthead and a goober when you’re being one.
-play video games with you only to get myself annoyed and end up throwing the controller.
-take pictures of you and have them on my iPod ready to show anyone at any moment.
-cheer you up when you’ve had a bad day.
-sing songs that you hate loudly and obnoxiously, especially in the car.
-look at things from your perspective.
-have deep and interesting conversations with you.
-take you to the city and get lost in the business of it all.
-go to the beach with you so I can throw sand at you.
-explore new things with you.
-make fun of you so I can only say I’m sorry and end up kissing you
-bore you with my pointless stories and facts.
-tell you horrible jokes and laugh at them even when you don’t.
-smile every time something reminds me of you.
-show you new things.
-lend you my shirts so you can wear them to bed.
-take care of you, especially when you’re sick.
-be your valentine on February 14th.
-be with you and make you the happiest girl ever while you make me the happiestboy girl in the world.
-kiss you on your forehead, neck, and all over.
-wrestle and tickle you until you give in.
-send you things telling you how much I miss you and how much you mean to me.
-brag to people how sweet and adorable you are.
-make food for you with my limited cooking skills.
-massage your back and neck until you fall asleep.
-be the one who says goodnight to you.
-rest my forehead against yours in between kissing you.
-visit you whenever and as much as possible.
-make fun of the way you say and do things.
-kiss you in the car at red lights.
-hold your hand and rub your thumb against mine.
-kiss you in public.
-celebrate all the holidays with you, especially ones that don’t matter like Flag Day just so I can be with you.
-write songs about you and sing them to you even though I’ll always be too shy.
-lie on you while we watch tv or movies.
-say stupid things only to have you correct me.
-play with your hair.
-spend the night and fall asleep with you in my arms.
-take you out someplace where I can pay.
-show you where I live and have you meet my friends.
-kiss you on each cheek.
-be apart of your life and meet your family and friends.
-surprise you with little gifts.
-do things I’d normally never do just because I want to be with you.
-get up and get you a drink when you’re thirsty or when you’re not.
-put a picture of you or us on a wall in my room.
-be there for you when you need me the most.
-hear you say you love me and miss me.
-take hot showers with you.
-pamper and spoil you.
-stare at you and have you say “what?” because you’ll never understand how you make me feel.
-catch you checking me out but have you think that I have no idea.
-tell you embarrassing stories.
-tell you my fears and dreams.
-learn from you and learn about you.
-kiss you until you can no longer breathe.
-go shopping with you and point out everything that you’d look good in.
-dance/sing to you in the car.
-bend over and kiss you because
-lay my head against you when I’m tired.
-tell you how crazy you are and how much you drive me crazy.
-look forward to the next time I can see you.
-get butterflies in my stomach everytime you’re around.
-call you baby, baby girl, or just simply mine.
-whisper things in your ear.
-kiss and nibble on your ear.
-kiss you whenever I feel like it and when you least expect it.
-hug you just because you look adorable.
-be my crazy self around you just so I can make you laugh
-kiss your nose.
-lay in your bed so when I’m not there the scent of me still lingers.
-give you butterfly and eskimo kisses.
-come up behind you and kiss your neck unexpectedly.
-ask the most ridiculous questions so I can know as much about you as possible.
-dedicate songs to you so we can have a million of “our songs”
-call you a butthead and a goober when you’re being one.
-play video games with you only to get myself annoyed and end up throwing the controller.
-take pictures of you and have them on my iPod ready to show anyone at any moment.
-cheer you up when you’ve had a bad day.
-sing songs that you hate loudly and obnoxiously, especially in the car.
-look at things from your perspective.
-have deep and interesting conversations with you.
-take you to the city and get lost in the business of it all.
-go to the beach with you so I can throw sand at you.
-explore new things with you.
-make fun of you so I can only say I’m sorry and end up kissing you
-bore you with my pointless stories and facts.
-tell you horrible jokes and laugh at them even when you don’t.
-smile every time something reminds me of you.
-show you new things.
-lend you my shirts so you can wear them to bed.
-take care of you, especially when you’re sick.
-be your valentine on February 14th.
-be with you and make you the happiest girl ever while you make me the happiest
I’m confused.
when you said you weren’t ready, I said I’d wait because I didn’t think it would be this hard.
I don’t understand what it is you need to get through your head.
do you really need all of this time to come to terms with it, or are you just trying to fool yourself into thinking you’re something you’re not?
I’m starting to think the second one is true.
you should be proud of who you are, not ashamed of it, and you’re not doing that right now.
I don’t know how you expect me to be with someone that’s only mine when we’re alone.. </3
when you said you weren’t ready, I said I’d wait because I didn’t think it would be this hard.
I don’t understand what it is you need to get through your head.
do you really need all of this time to come to terms with it, or are you just trying to fool yourself into thinking you’re something you’re not?
I’m starting to think the second one is true.
you should be proud of who you are, not ashamed of it, and you’re not doing that right now.
I don’t know how you expect me to be with someone that’s only mine when we’re alone.. </3
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